this Hope and this Future

I used to be a very negative person.  I saw the glass half empty.  I prepared for the worst and never expected the best.  I never felt a sense of peace or contentment.  Although I still struggle with some negativity, I have rid most of my life of its presence.

I prefer to speak of possibility, hope and expectation.  My life's passion is empowering others to recognize their inner strength and to dedicate their lives to serving God with the gifts and talents He's provided them with.  We all come with negative baggage but my dreams are filled with being a part of God's redemption story in others.

Over the years I've grown tired, perhaps even angry, at the amount of Christians who preach the "you are a horrible sinner and are going to die" sermon to unbelievers, as if that would motivate someone ridden with guilt, confusion and pain, to come into the loving arms of the Christ I know.  We all know the reality; we are sinners, we are going to die, we go to hell without Christ.  But shoving that in someone's face who hasn't experienced, or even knows about the grace and mercy Christ offered us on the cross, can only leave someone feeling as if they don't deserve a love like that anyway.

Through time, God has molded me into the kind of person that extends grace and forgiveness pretty easily but lately, I feel like He has been reminding me of the reality of who I still am as a human.  I've talked in several posts that God has been sharpening my character, so painfully sometimes, that I wonder how I could ever change a certain aspect of who I am so drastically.  And it is just as true today.

As much as I loathe hearing one more pastor or warrior of the faith preach on our inherent evil, the reality of it is still truth.  If, as believers, we ever forget that at our core we are simply just sinners and think we are past the trials of the flesh, I think it is just as dangerous as living in a state of self-pity and self-loathing over our evil heritage.  Because of the state of hearts, an innocent and blameless man died a brutal death as the only atoning sacrifice to reconnect us with God.  If we ever forget that, it makes what He did for us, cheap.

A couple of weeks ago, I was feeling especially proud of myself and all that God was allowing me to be a part of.  I even went as far as to reminisce on the person I once was and what a stark contrast of that person I am today.  As I was journaling, amidst words of hope and excitement, out of nowhere I began to write these words;

"You sacrificed for me.  You died for me.  Not just a simple death.  But a brutal death.  You knew it was going to be this way and yet you did it for ME.  You saw my face in the crowd, you looked into my eyes as I scoffed at you.  As I spit in your face and called you names.  As I mocked your crown of thorns and laughed at the blood dripping down your face.  You met my eyes, in all your suffering, and whispered to me, 'I love you, child.  I'm doing this for you.'  And you'd do it again, to show me over and over how much you love me."

At the end of writing the last words, tears were streaming down my face.  It was as if my soul had forgotten the reason I am who I am today.  The reality of who I once was, and the person I still am, reminded me that everyday I can live, if only for God's grace and to extend that grace to others.

The difficult balance of being proud of the people we've become because of Christ and the reality that we were destined for an eternity of damnation should create just enough tension to keep us humble.  But in fact, somewhere along the line we cheapen the sacrifice Christ made by boasting in what good people we've become. At the same time we also cheapen the sacrifice Christ made by dwelling on the innate evil within us, canceling out the fact that through Christ we were made a new creation.

We are a new life, a new creation.  This gives us the motivation to share this Hope and this Future with others, especially those who don't feel they could ever deserve it.  But we need never to forget the sacrifice that was made on our behalf that gave us this Hope and this Future that we now possess.

"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." -Ephesians 4:22-24

Pour Out

I am always very hesitant to post anything without a photo.  I feel like without a photo to go along with what I have to say it's just not as thought-provoking.  But today I don't have a photo.  I didn't even take my camera out.  But I still feel like God speaks through words and not just pictures.  So I will write even though I have nothing to draw you in first.

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The ladies and I have been planning for weeks to do our next outreach project.  One of the ladies suggested we paint the nails of some of the elderly women who are somewhat "shut in" their homes.  I thought it was a great idea so today was the day.

I showed up to the Hole and two of the women were still working and not sure when they'd be home and several of the other women were cooking and couldn't come along.  So it was just me and Yudy.

We set out to find our first "viejita" and my friend, Ani, suggested her mom.  So Yudy sat down and meticulously painted her toes and then her fingers.  We handed her a verse I had written out on pretty scrapbook paper and we went on our way.

The next woman's house we stopped at had just gotten her nails done and didn't want them repainted.  "Maybe another time," she said.  We prayed for her and her son that was in prison, handed her a pretty printed verse and moved on to the next house.

We stopped at my friend, Elisabeth's house and asked if her Mom was around.  She was down with a cold and didn't want to leave her room.

I could feel disappointment creeping in.  I could feel myself saying, "But God...we are doing this in your name, why can't we just have some women that need their nails painted?"  As we walked around the barrio I was talking to myself in my head thinking that I didn't even have any spectacular photos to post or "God moments" to speak of on our blog.  (I know, it disgusts me as I write it)

We were already into our "quest" an hour and only one set of nails painted so we walked a little ways to another elderly woman's house.  I was hoping with all my might that she wanted painted nails and that there was sufficient available light for some stellar photo-taking.  She was sick and didn't want to smell the odor of nail polish and gracefully declined.  So I dutifully prayed for her that she would get well and that God would be present in her current illness, all the while speaking loudly in my head the disappointment I felt about the day.  I just wanted to go and sit down, drink some coffee and chat with my friends before I went home.

I knew the next house over, the mom of one of the girls in my class was not doing very well.  About a month prior she had a portion of her intestines removed and it was causing her some grief.  Yudy and I walked over there to find Rosa Angelica's mom laying on the couch, crying out in pain with her grandmother holding her hands; tears streaming down her face.

A month earlier I had prayed for her, just a day after her surgery, that she would heal well.  In that month she hadn't had a bowel movement or been able to eat anything without vomiting.  She was frail and thin with an extended belly.

I leaned over her and placed my hand on her surgery scar while Yudy prayed.  I could hear the "Amen" in the background of my mind but felt the urge to pray on.  I whispered to my God and pleaded with Him for her suffering.  Her children were all around me with concerned looks on their faces.  I continued, asking the Holy Spirit to fill the room and asked that God would be present with us at this time of need.  I honestly don't know what I was expecting to happen, I just didn't feel like I should stop praying for whatever it was.

As I lifted my head, she groaned in pain.  It was then that I realized that for the 5-7 minutes that I was praying she was silent.  Painless.  But the pain returned and I just knew this wasn't the kind of thing that would just go away.  I suggested we take her to the hospital.

After a bit of banter and a bit of arguing we convinced her to go.  I still had my bad attitude on my shoulder, wanting to stay in The Hole a little longer and drink coffee with my friends.  But God gently reminded me that He had different plans.

We loaded up in my jeep, her and three family members, and headed for her doctor.  I could feel a little cloud of guilt hovering over my head.  We arrived in about 20 minutes and as each person got out of the car they thanked me and I told them that I was "at their service," a phrase that is used here to basically say "it's nothing, I'm here if you need me."

As the car door closed I was absolutely disgusted with myself.  God probably had the plan for me to be there for Ana Patria from the beginning.  He wanted to invite me into an opportunity to serve someone in His name.  And as far as she was concerned, I did that.  But I knew in my head that I was still such a child when it came to spiritual maturity.  That I can still do so many things right as a follower of Christ and still be so selfish when it comes to how I want to do ministry.

As harsh as I was being on myself God whispered two words to me to remind me that I am still a work in progress: "Pour Out."

Pour out your life for others.

Pour out the love I lavish on you, onto others.

Pour out your expectations.

Pour out your plans.

Pour out your guilt and your disgust in yourself.

God has been on a very clear mission to sharpen my character this year.  To mold me to be more like Him.  And I have been struggling for the past month with pride.  I've never considered myself to be a prideful person but I am learning that pride comes in many different forms.  I may not struggle with the outward pride that everyone sees -- where you boast, and talk about how amazing you are and put others down because of your awesomeness.  But what I have been struggling with has been sneaky, and ugly, and it has been quietly slipping into my heart.  The kind of pride that fakes humility.  The kind of pride that fishes for compliments.  The kind of pride that seeks recognition.  The kind of pride that repulses me about others, has slowly crept into me.

In the gentle refinement that only my Maker is capable of, I was reminded that just because I do things in the name of Jesus doesn't mean that He is always my motivation.  And He needs to be.  Bringing people to Him needs to be my motivation.  Pointing people to the cross needs to be my motivation.  Taking the spotlight off of myself needs to be my motivation.

A life Poured Out needs to be my end result.